me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.