ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
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Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?