ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
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I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Who.
Did.
This?
Software Development ⛵️
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.