me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.