ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
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My doctor says I only have one diabete.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.