Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
You Might Also Like
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
A Short Story.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
dude it’s called proctologist
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Some people were born into their job.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.