Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
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I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
.. do you even science?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Please do it!
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]