ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
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[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
beware of dog
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”