Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
You Might Also Like
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline