ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.