me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
This is my emotional support knife.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long