@truegritrumble: ME: *plummeting to earth* I'VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
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@WheelTod: [Therapy] Me: What do you mean "boundary issues?" Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don't you put some clothes on & we'll talk?
@harrows_: God said, "Thou shall not kill" And then he wiped out the entire human race with a global flood just because people didn't take it seriously
@Parkerlawyer: Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it. Anyone want to trade jobs?