ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
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Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name