Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
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the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Choose your fighter
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Sounds like a bargain
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing