ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
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Jogging
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
File under excellent bookstore names.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.