[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
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SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause