Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers