Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
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My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
bought wrong eggs
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*