Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted