Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
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Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.