@kyry5: Me: *popping out of a giant cake, screaming* "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT ME IN THERE AFTER YOU BAKED IT"
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@mcclure111: Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
@mattgallo123: This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
@xLiserx: Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won't talk to me at the grocery store.
@ConcernedSirGuy: People are like, "How cute! Your dog looks just like you!" I'm like, "That's my son."