Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
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Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
this is what they would have looked like, though
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”