ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.