ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
monday
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?