How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
You Might Also Like
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer