“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
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I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
new shirt idea
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird