Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists