Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Breaking news:
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀