Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
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[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Google assistant rules
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.