ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.