Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
emergency phone
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear