me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
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Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.