Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous