Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁