Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I am having an out of money experience.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment