*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Just had my nails done!
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.