Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.