Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.