ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
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That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!