ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
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Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
The honesty is refreshing
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.