ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Breaking news:
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really