Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
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Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Modded the new Gran Turismo
do horses think humans are hats