Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
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Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?