me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
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I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..