*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Never forget.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
lmfao come on
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”