ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
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I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Bless you
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean