ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
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before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Every house has this drawer
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…