Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.