Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt