ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
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got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
猸愶笍 LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
馃帴 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
God: bite into this onion like it鈥檚 an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I鈥檒l sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn鈥檛 teeth
We鈥檝e run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.