ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
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whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Erm…
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door